What follows is an e-mail I sent recently to my BFF, my long-empathizing, darling, and loyal friend we'll call DW (Designing Woman). She still resides in the City of Angels and I'm, well... here. It can get a little lonely. Anyway, someone once told me you are the company you keep, and while it's very short, my list of friends is supreme. I might just be worthwhile after all.
Disclaimer: I know this is rather indulgent of me, and maybe even a little lazy. But what is a blog's purpose after all if not to express oneself? If I publish a personal letter as blog content then I'm within my authorship rights to reveal myself as I would to my friends. Blog anonymously = dump publicly. Wait, that sounds kind of gross. How about purge publicly? Still gross. I guess what I'm trying to explain is that I want to experiment with sharing some very personal things. This is cathartic. I may decide later to divulge regretable, vulnerable or illicit content, so I want to see how I hold up under such scrutiny. So bear with me, while I bear down...
February 2008 - Letter to a friend /
Hey girl! (good grief! I've rewritten this several times the last couple days, so it's gotten long. I apologize, I'm out of Dexter season 1 episodes!!)
I'm so pleased you enjoyed your online retail therapy! You deserved it. I don't know what it was about that online store, it just reminded me of that time a few years back we stopped into a couple boutiques in East Hollywood, Echo Park, or Silverlake, and I wanted one each of everything I saw! It also brought back teenage wasteland memories when I'd ditch high school and ride the bus out to Y Que and the Army/Navy surplus shop. Owning a boutique together somewhere like that could be fun, huh? Being the buyer for it especially. We're still young and funky enough to pull off second-hand chic and retro-modern, aren't we? I can forget sometimes, living mostly amongst a stylistically-challenged populace for the past decade. At least until recently. "Western Playground" (resort town name changed) is a place of joy. And "River Valley" (also changed for privacy sake) is so beautiful, I could never really be mad at it. Last night, was so bright from the light of the moon shining down on so much reflectant white snow, that up here in the woods, it was like dawn all night long.
Oh by the way, went into town and got your card yesterday. It still makes me smile - I can feel the warm love emanating from California! Which was much needed and appreciated since I've been moping around a lot after my birthday and mom came and went. Hon? Please tell me. I'm not old...
I mean, fuck! 39? Come on! I'm practically middle-aged without any certain direction. Ideas? Yeah, got a million. Always, these ideas, plenty of creative business and nonprofit concepts ripe for development and me with no capital or resources, my energy and motivation are slip-sliding away. Damn it! So am I on a solid career path? Shit no! Retirement fund or nest egg? Not even. Well, then how about kids? Nope. Maybe kinda, but you know, none of "my own". And I have to share the these ones with a "lot lizard". It's a thankless job. But, at least I'm a good stepmom and it makes for great practice. But I couldn't even tell you if I wanted my own anymore. This world is so fucked up. Sometimes this feeling of doom just hits me in the face the moment I wake up. Did you know we're experiencing the biggest US baby boom in 45 years? Am I the only person asking, why!? I don't know how wise it is to reproduce, what with what's slipping down the pike. There is simply not enough to go around. I do still consider adopting, but it's incredibly difficult and expensive! Especially overseas and I've always wanted to choose a baby from the Philippines, since I feel I have the background to guide one. And yet... I still dream about spending the rest of our lives untethered, traveling and creating, applying this "mother energy" toward giving something back? Maybe there is another way...WWOD? (O = Oprah).
I know it won't make a damn bit of difference, but who are you if you don't have plans? And specific ones, at that? Isn't that how many people define a successful life? Striking out on a self-designed lifeplan and following it through to completion? I've followed a few deadend lifeplans already, learned a lot, discovered a few truths that serve me well, tossed out the scraps and failures, but I guess I'm still an 80's kid, defined by: you gotta BECOME SOMEONE. Go MAKE something of YOURSELF. Become RICH, use that goddamned higher education.
Hell, It's a new year and I'm sorting things out. What can I say? I'm in perfect Capricornian form with a strong sense of loss of control and a dictator mind. It tells me I can only trust in endeavor and structure. But, part of me says "fuck all that", when will it ever be enough to just be me? Exhausting. I wear myself out sometimes I swear. I call this constant self-criticism "channeling my inner immigrant" - or more accurately - Dad.
According to many brilliant thinkers, life is in the journey. The world still turns, the fire still burns, baby. Fate is unknown, unobligated to our humble desires much of the time. So maybe I should just wait and see. Or maybe I was just born under a bad sign? I just listened to the book on tape "eat, pray, love".I insist that you get it for your long commutes - it's funny, thoughtful, and comforting. In it, Elizabeth explains that Bali Hindus believe that you can get "sick in your birthday". Like, say you were born on a Thursday, but are besieged by the negative spirits associated with that day of the week, rather than in balance with them and the positive spirits of Thursday. I think I am sick in my birthday. I think I need a special healing or new years cleansing. I'm asking the universe to send me a sign.... I'm asking the universe to release pure love energy into my soul as I bare it open!
So how are you taking 39? You've got a month on me being it. Tell me. Does it get any better? For me, it's painful, and misery loves company! But somehow, I get the feeling you're wearing it well, not sweating the biological clock thing and enjoying the groundedness that aging with a clear conscience provides.
Holla' Back,
N
Comments